TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically noted for ancient lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed within the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely away from put. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have A further put in which American Adult males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: present Everybody a suite within the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often smooth electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he ought to halt applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the project, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed Trump Tower Damascus by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head seen from space, a function being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not merely unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest component of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is presently attracting notice from Worldwide traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely include:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to find out a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge where by my PTSD might have switch-down services."


A further submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories counsel:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You are welcome."

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